When being a Grammar Nazi just isn’t good enough

I am a stickler for grammar.

I hate text abbreviations. I don’t like using numbers for words or in words (unless of course you’re referring to Deadmau5), and I try at all costs to avoid the dangling participle. I yell at people when they use incorrect grammar. I’m probably the first person to Tweet or Facebook you after you’ve made a spelling or other heinous crime against the English language in your status bar.

I have a degree in Grammar. Well, it’s in Linguistics. The study of language as a living entity. Grammar is almost the opposite. Grammar is finite. It is the alpha and omega. Linguistics challenges where the alpha begins and where the omega ends.  Back in second year university, my grammar professor had us purchase that most infamous of grammar bibles The Elements of Style by Strunk and White. It is an excellent book, and if you choose to pursue any form of writing in English, creative or functional, it is the handiest tool for you.

I also read Stephen King’s marvelous On Writing. It’s a kick-you-in-the-ass book. And it gives you a wake up call about all of those lolly lolly lolly words that we tend to use in oral storytelling. In the written word, your text should be able to convey to your reader the momentousness of a situation without resorting to all of the lolly words.

I was pretty smug about my command of the English language. Sure, I can’t put a coherent story together without going off in various directions. However, I can make sure my incoherent story has the most impeccable grammar imaginable.

Or at least I thought I did.

Last night (figuratively speaking – as of the day of writing, I read this essay three nights ago and have read nothing else since) I came across this essay.

To quote Stuart Neville, one of my favourite current writers, Ah, copy edits, the stage of the writing process that reminds me I'm a moron.

There are elements of style in correct grammar, and elements of grammar in correct style. I think my overuse of the word “as” stems from my love of British culture and British style. As just sounds more refined, more direct, more like you know what you’re talking about. It’s fancier than ‘while’ or ‘so’ or ‘and’. That still doesn't make it any more correct or coherent...

I know I’m an as addict, in the very very bad way pointed out in that essay. Not in the comparative way in which as was meant to be used. Such as (!) ‘this pate is as rich as Oprah’. 

So I have received another wake-up call to remind me that, no matter what I accomplish, I am still a moron at some level.

Since then, I have been making a very concerted and often quite difficult effort to avoid using the a-word. (I wouldn’t even write ‘as much as possible’ there for fear that I have already overused ‘as’ in this blog of mine.) I find it binding and restrictive.

As I see it (!!) there are two approaches I can take:

1.      I can stick an iron rod into my brain to forget everything I know about grammar and style and churn out mom porn a la EL James, and hope nobody notices how poor my writing skills are; or

2.   I can allow myself (meaning I can stop judging myself for five minutes) to write very poor first drafts in order to get my story on the page, and from there, red pen like I’ve never red penned before, or even better, give it to someone who doesn’t even know what the word ‘as’ means, and have them circle the word every time I use it. And then rewrite that entire paragraph where the offending word has been discovered, thus eliminating my overuse of the word while still being comfortable enough to express my thoughts.

Being a bad writer comes easily to me…if it's easy, it isn't worth having, is it? Even if it sells 10 million copies...

Exercising The Mind

When most people want a change in their lives, the first place we usually head for is the gym. Something about exercising muscles that we hardly use makes us feel rejuvenated. And if we really want to make the most of our gym memberships, we usually join a workout class of like-minded people in order to move as one organism in a fitness bonding ritual.

Sometimes we try to design our own workouts at home, or follow some exercise DVDs or internet videos. But it never feels the same as working out with a bunch of people, where we are all together motivated towards a common goal. After all, if we didn’t have this need to gain confidence through the pursuit of common interests with like-minded people, Gold’s Gym and Curves would never have become successful businesses, never mind Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig.

With that in mind, in this quest of mine to become a better writer, or, at least to not be the worst writer on the planet, I designed my own ‘writer workouts’. The often-referenced fanfic. This blog. Other pieces sitting in draft form on my hard drives. Making sure I could put words together to make sense. The problem with home workouts is, after a while, you wonder if you’re doing it right, or if the methods you’ve been using have developed bad habits and shortcuts, and as a result, you are no longer improving the fitness of your muscles, but causing them strain and fatigue. And that’s where I felt I was.

It was time for me to join a writer’s gym if you will. Now I don’t have the kind of cash that would get me a locker suite or a personal trainer (i.e. the Creative Writing Honours BA at Humber College. I’m nowhere near ready, mentally or financially, to go through school again.). So I went looking for the cheapest (i.e. free or better) workout place that would give me the most value for my lack of dollars.  

There are many writing forums and writer workshops that offer free advice, and many of them are even credible. After hunting around, and after receiving a recommendation from my ever-supportive and always-neglected partner, I decided to sign up with a writer workshop site that is half-free, half pay. That is, there are many resources and exercises available that are free, but for the intense help (with editors and the like), you have to pay. That`s only fair. Someone is taking time out of their writing life to tell you how to make yours better, and most times, it’s not the easiest thing to do, that is, to leave your writing life to support someone with theirs.

And, like you do before you commit yourself to a locker at the new gym, I did a trial class for free, to see if it was the place for me, and to see if my writing muscles were conducive to the workout techniques offered at this forum. Although I’m not sure of the end result of the exercise in the eyes of the literary evaluators (my exercise is posted but won’t be reviewed or judged for another month), it just felt really good to flex some muscles of the mind that haven’t been twisted around for quite a while. In fact, it felt so good, that I’m working on a short story in a realm that I know nothing about as my next literary fitness exercise. Much like a fitness newbie (or a re-newbie, if you will), I don’t want to overstretch any muscles that may be atrophied from lack of use. But I figure after writing the über-long fanfic, the mental muscles have been warmed up enough. They need a new routine and direction. And I still get to eat cake without guilt!

**Just a post script here – the reason why I’m not giving the name of the site is that, again, I don’t know if I’m ready for people to know that I’m posting there yet. Even though I’m sure if you Google me, you’ll find the page. If something prolific comes out of it, I’ll be sure to share it with you directly.